- Sir? - Oh, it's delicious.
You should eat some first.
Sir, I hate to disturb you during feeding time...
...but there's a man snooping around the premises.
Daddy, call the police.
- I'll handle this. - No, no, no.
I got this one, Uncle Phil.
What are you doing in our back yard?
Oh, my God, Uncle Phil, he's got...
...a business card.
I'm sorry if I startled anyone. Nobody answered the front door.
- I'm a realtor. Ron Reed. - How are you?
That doesn't give you the right to go traipsing around our property.
I've got a client prepared to make a generous offer on this house.
Well, then come on in, Ron. It is Ron, isn't it?
Sit down. Take a load off. Yes.
Care for some salmon?
Carlton.
- What kind of offer, Mr. Reed? - Well above market value.
My client wants to buy it for his nephew.
- But this house is not for sale. - How much?
Shut up, Carlton.
Mr. And Mrs. Banks, if you'll hear me out.
You see, my client's nephew grew up in this house in the '50s...
...and he'd like to repurchase it for sentimental reasons.
- How much? - Shut up, Carlton.
Hey, Uncle Phil, man...
...you're not really going to consider selling this house, are you?
I mean, come on, this place is special to us.
I'm authorized to bid...
...a half million dollars above fair-market value.
I'm going to pack my stuff, all right?
It's kind of tempting, huh? Especially with the real estate market being so soft.
Am I the only one who doesn't think making money...
...is always the bottom line?
Let's hope so.
Very funny, Carlton.
Look, some stranger wants to buy this house for sentimental reasons.
What about our sentimental reasons? We love this house.
You know, I mean... I think Ashley's right.
I mean, this place has got a lot of memories.
Living here has been almost a religious experience.
My father would kill me if he knew I was out with a boy tonight.
I told him I was going to church.
The Lord is good.
Why don't you come on over here, sit down and relax.
Okay.
Well, you are pretty slick, Will Smith.
And, I ain't even oiled up yet, you know.
Hey, you know what?
You can sell the house. It's the couch that got the memories.
And the Jacuzzi.
- Carlton's little typewriting table. - Hey.
Look, kids, this is serious. What should we do, Philip?
I can't imagine living someplace else.
This is where we raised our children and taught them to be responsible adults.
- Here, Hilary, you take it out. - Out where?
To the trash cans.
You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car.
Thank God, I thought it was the neighbor's kids.
This is gross. I don't touch greasy, disgusting things.
Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.
- You take it. - Come on, girl.
And for your information, dinner comes first.
It's like that, right, you're gonna slam garbage at me.
Good morning, Will.
- Good morning. Here's your lunch. - Thank you.
We all knew that Ashley was, well, cute.
But with my help, she has turned into an absolute knockout.
So it gives me great pleasure to present...
...the new Ashley Banks.
Well, isn't she the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen?
Ashley, sweetheart, are you comfortable dressed like this?
Well, Daddy, it all comes down to what Robert thinks, and...
Ashley, aren't we forgetting something?
You're so in tune with my needs.
It was amazing and endless and magnificent.
I think I saw God.
- Don't stop. - The windows... I'm sorry.
- I fell. I fell. I fell. - We didn't mean to...
You'd think in a house this big, a fellow would get a little privacy.
Or stronger doors.
Whatever. I still think we shouldn't sell this house. It's home.
Well, now, Ashley, this house obviously means a lot to all of us.
But you don't get an offer like this everyday.
- I'll have to give it some consideration. - Excuse me?
I mean, your mother and I will have to give it some real consideration.
Isn't that right, sweetheart? Dear?
If we end up moving into another guesthouse...
...I'm getting the bedroom this time. - Not so fast, buster.
Who knows if the new place is even gonna have a guesthouse?
Don't worry, we'll bring a shoebox you can sleep in.
Listen, my friend, I haven't exactly gotten a kick...
...out of being your roommate either.
I mean, I can't imagine anything more irritating...
...than sharing a pool house with you.
I can. How about sharing a jail cell with you?
Come on, man, let it go. You'll feel better.
Yeah, well, that whole fiasco was your fault.
You're totally immature.
I'm immature?
Well, isn't that the munchkin calling the midget short.
Oh, what a night, I made a killing.
Twenty-six Milky Ways.
And the Democrats say there's a recession.
What are you supposed to be?
My idol, Macaulay Culkin.
And you know why he's my idol?
Why? Because y'all the same height?
How dare you two defy me?
Now, see here, big guy.
Oh, my God! Howard!
And to think, I laid out 50 big ones on your damn cake.
And not just any cake, I got you that really neat one in the commercials.
You know, the one that goes:
Carlton, Carlton.
Come to think of it, I don't know how I've been around you this long.
What's wrong with being around me?
Well, how about I'll take "always embarrassing me" for 500, Alex.
What have I ever done to embarrass you?
Well, you got a few days?
You really think we made it?
Hey, look, man, whether we did or not, you hung in there and I'm proud of you.
You're proud of me?
You never said that to me before in your life.
Give me a hug.
You see, man, that is exactly why I'll never tell you nothing.
Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Admit it, Will. You care about me.
I do not.
Yes, you do. You like me. You like having me around.
Carlton, take it back, man.
Face it. You've just got to face it.
You love me.
All right, that was a bad example.
I mean, you're not so much of an embarrassment.
Apology accepted.
Hey, Carl... Come one.
Hey, man. Damn.
So after careful consideration, we've decided not to sell.
- Oh, Daddy. - Oh, man!
When it came down to it, we just couldn't part with this place.
In the final analysis, there are more important things than money.
Would everyone stop saying that? I'm getting a migraine.
We got some baby Tylenol in the kitchen.
Hello.
Ron. Yeah, I was just going to call you.
Look, we've talked it over, and we've decided not to sell.
No, I'm sorry, I don't think there's anything...
...that you can say that could change...
What's that? You're kidding.
Could you hold on for a minute, please? Thank you.
Philip, what's going on?
Ron said that his buyer is willing to go $ 1 million dollars...
...above market value.
Yes, there is a God!
Look at you all.
Will say something.
Ching, ching!
Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye.
That was Ron. The buyer is flying in this evening from New York.
Yeah! A million dollars.
But I don't want to move.
Hey, girl.
Now, Ashley, this is a million dollars here.
Now, listen, Uncle Phil could put that money in the bank, right...
...and then start getting all kinds of crazy interest.
Then it's bonds, and then there's that T-bill stuff...
...and then they got some certificates, and then junk be compounded.
- What are you talking about? - I have no idea.
Money, money, money. Is that all you people care about?
I have been very happy in this house.
A lot of exciting things have happened to me here.
Ashley, you're 15 years old.
I mean, how much excitement could you possibly have had?
A lot more than you, Carlton.
Happy birthday, Ashley.
I think I'd feel better...
...if I could kiss you.
I'm sorry. Is that terrible?
No.
Is it terrible that I wanna kiss you back?
Can I blow in your ear?
Why?
I don't know, I heard Will say it.
Okay.
Hey, Ashley, you ain't telling me that dude blew in your ear.
Me either.
I embellished.
Uncle Phil, I think you've more than made your opinion known...
...to Ashley and her boyfriends.
- Who do we have here? - We met at the mall.
What's your name, son?
This.
This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it.
- It's a symbol, like Prince. - Prince who?
See, that's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.
What's this thing?
It's a symbol for "get out of my house!"
So I lost my temper once. Who hasn't?
Excuse me. Once?
Speaking as a lawyer, I say your daughter...
...suits the criminal profile to a T.
Right down to the low-sloping forehead and the wide jaw...
...suitable for grains and small rodents.
I think you must have her confused with your mama.
I don't want you to move out.
Sorry, Dad, I have to go.
- No, you don't. - Will says I do.
He says it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent...
...and have sex with girls.
Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.
Excuse me. Is this what you've been telling my boy?
- What? - That life is one big orgy.
- I ain't never said... - College is hard work, son...
Followed by a family, which is even more hard work.
And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public.
And a wife who won't let you anywhere near her.
And a butler who may be the father of your child.
- And a gardener, a gardener... - Dad! Dad!
You big-eared freeloader! You take your little square-headed cousin here...
...and you find Geoffrey, and you bring him back...
...or they'll never find your bodies.
And I'm a judge, I can make it happen.
All right. All right, so I have an ugly side.
And you could write "Goodyear" on it.
The more I think about it, I won't mind saying goodbye to this place.
I mean, I've experienced the greatest tragedies of my life here.
Damn.
And I mean that...
...in the nicest possible way, Hil.
I look like a troll doll.
Look, there he goes.
Hilary Banks...
Yes, Trevor?
Will you marry me...?
I ain't no bungee expert or nothing...
...but I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that.
If I hadn't asked for a special proposal...
...Trevor would be in my arms...
...instead of in my purse.
I love you, Trevor.
Hilary...
...Trevor wasn't cremated.
Then who's this?
I'll see him to the door, Miss Hilary.
I'm still not over that hair thing.
We're gonna need some hors d'oeuvres tonight.
- What do we have in the house? - Whatever he hasn't eaten.
Geoffrey, for once, could you please cut the sarcasm?
Sarcasm? Whatever do you mean?
Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.
You mean your knife and fork?
Jazz, to what do we owe your presence?
My guess would be inbreeding.
Sweetheart, it hasn't been that long since we've made love, has it?
Five months this Tuesday.
Why, that's just good-natured ribbing, sir...
...unlike those ruthless barbs from Master William.
Me?
Earthquake!
Man changed my life.
Turned a skinny little kid from South Carolina...
...into the man you see today.
And you know how?
He challenged me.
To what? A pie eating contest?
What is wrong with you people?
I weigh the same thing I weighed in high school.
Yeah, if you add up all four years.
Hey, hey, man.
Man, have I told you how thin you're looking lately?
You know, especially around your chins.
I mean...
Damn.
That must be him.
Now, we're doing the right thing, aren't we? We should sell.
Oh, my God, she's buckling, Dad.
- Throw some cold water on her. - Carlton.
Of course we're doing the right thing, sweetheart.
Sir, it is my esteemed pleasure to introduce...
...Mr. And Mrs. Donald Trump.
It's The Donald! Oh, my God!
Mr. And Mrs. Trump, it's an honor to meet you.
Well, Ron said his client had a rich uncle, but Donald Trump.
I like keeping a low profile.
- Hi. Hilary Banks. - Hi, Hilary.
You know, you look much richer in person.
Hey, Mr. Trump. Hey, how are you doing? Will Smith.
Hey, listen, you are getting a great house here.
And this is quite a deal you're getting for it too.
Tell you what, throw in another 50 grand, I'll cut the grass for you every Saturday.
Look, folks, before we go too far, I've got something to tell you.
Excuse me, but I've got something to tell you first.
Thank you for ruining my life.
- Ashley. - What did you do?
Everybody's always blaming me for everything.
Come on, let's sit down, sign some papers.
Mr. Banks, there's been a little mistake.
Mr. Trump's nephew grew up at 508 Saint Cloud Road.
And all this time I thought our address was 805 Saint Cloud Road.
It is, Hilary.
It's very embarrassing. Apparently, I inverted the numbers.
I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry.
That makes two of us.
Well, that's business.
Let's go down the street. I brought cash, it's quicker.
Nice meeting you all.
It's just as well, it's too much of a fixer-upper.
Vivian, Vivian, Vivian!
What happened?
Donald Trump walked in, and you passed out.
Donald! Where is he?
He'll be the guy carrying the millions of dollars in cash.
If you hurry up, man...
Well, I guess this makes you very happy?
And you are too. Come on, admit it.
Yes, we're staying.
Yeah, it's... You know, it's probably for the best.
I guess deep down inside none of us really wanted to move.
Of course, I do hear Des Moines is great this time of year.
In five, four, three, two...
But it'll cut into my trick or treat...
Here we go.
But it'll cut into my trick or treat...
I'm just gonna say my line and "go."
I just won a thousand dollars.
Five, four, three, two...
It ain't me. It ain't me.
- It was him. - No, I was here. I was cool.
Oh, yeah.
I can't get it out.
I cannot get it out.
Come on, one more shot. One more shot. One more shot.